Himizu Recently
by Himizu-chan
Summary: Himizu has started her own talk show, featuring Hiei, Shikamaru, Gir, Ryouko, and Risu. Together they discuss whatever random subjects they can think of while taking calls and visits from other characters and destroying everyone's sanity! Complete!
1. Cheating Celebrities

A/N: This story is the result of the many random conversations I have with my friends. Naturally, details of the conversations are changed for comedic purposes.

Disclaimer: I don't own Chelsea Lately or any animes or celebrities or whatever that I reference during the fic.

"And now… your favorite show for gossip, drama, and some semblance of talking about current events and serious topics… it's… Himizu Recently! And here's your host, Himizu!"

Himizu walked out onto the stage, wearing black pants, knee-high black boots, and a flowing silky looking green, blue, and purple shirt. She nodded and smiled to acknowledge her audience, her dyed black hair fluttering around her neck trying in vain to reach her shoulders. She reached up to adjust her black and teal glasses and her blue-gray eyes sparkled with delight.

"Hello everyone!" she called out cheerfully. "Give it up for my panel… Risu!"

The young woman with long golden-brown hair and wearing black pants, a black Natuto t-shirt, and several necklaces glared at the camera in a way that suggested she would eat their souls, then suddenly turned around and hugged a squirrel.

"Ryouko!"

The young woman with the longish blonde (not white, but less brown that Risu's hair) ponytail wearing jeans and a teal tank top waved to the unseen audience.

"Hiei of Yu Yu Hakusho!"

The short fire demon glared at the camera and flipped it off.

"Shikamaru of Naruto!"

The lazy nin glared at the camera and held up his hand to block the camera from focusing on his face.

"And let's not forget my assistant Gir!"

The tiny robot from Invader Zim raced in screaming something incoherent about monkeys and waffles.

"So our topic for today… celebrities who cheat on their significant others! I'm sure we are all aware of celebrities like Tiger Woods and Jesse James who are absolute sons of bitches and do not deserve the women they used to be with, and by that I am of course referring to their legal wives, not their string of mistresses."

"I agree," Ryouko said, nodding very professionally. "Poor poor Sandra Bullock and Elin Nordegren," she said, shaking her head. "And Hiei, you better not do anything like that to me!"

Hiei, who had been absentmindedly twirling a pencil, sat up abruptly when he heard that. "Um, what? Excuse me? We are not together! What are you talking about, woman?"

Ryouko shrugged innocently. "Well I had to say something to make you talk, otherwise you would have just grumbled about how you have no idea what we're talking about and tried to go hide in your dressing room."

"Well I DON'T have any idea what you're talking about… I don't give a damn about your ningen celebrities and I have no clue why I'm on this show in the first place."

"You're on this show because Ryouko and Risu and I felt that we needed two anime guys for balance and you were the obvious choice and Shikamaru is here because he's a smartass and we suspect this will be the best combination, so please just try to participate in the debate!" Himizu yelled at him from her place at one end of the table.

"What I don't understand," Shika grumbled, "is how these guys can muster up the energy to cheat even once. I mean, what the hell? So much work… gotta call them up, gotta go to a hotel or their place or whatever… I mean they've already got wives, what do they need all these other girls for? They got what they need without ever leaving the house."

"Shika, not everyone is so lazy that they'd love to spend their entire life living in their bedroom without even walking to another room in the house!" Risu yelled at him.

"But still, cheating with that many women seems like it would be unnecessarily difficult," Shika pointed out.

"Gir, you did some research for us… let's see what statistics you came up with," Himizu suggested quickly.

"I found out that 95% of all bacon wants to be part of my sandwiches!" Gir screamed.

"That's fascinating… and completely irrelevant," Himizu pointed out.

"Yeah, we didn't ask you about bacon or sandwiches," Risu exclaimed.

"Ohhhhh… which survey did you want again?" Gir asked.

"The one about the celebrities who cheat on their significant others, dear," Himizu reminded him gently.

"Oh yeah, I stored that one in my head!" Gir screamed.

"Well then get it."

"Why is there a can of tuna in your head?" Ryouko asked, craning her neck to peer at the tiny robot.

"Cuz I ran out of room in my leg! It's full of toast!" he yelped.

"Um… ok…" Ryouko said, looking confused.

"The survey please, Gir," Himizu said patiently.

"Ohhhhhhh yeahhhhhhh! Let's see… the numbers I collected say that 93.68% of celebrities cheat on their significant others!"

"Wow… those numbers are rather shocking…" Himizu said, eyes widening.

"What is wrong with those people?" Shika muttered. "They all need to try relaxing now and then."

"Oh my god Shika, drop it already!" Risu jumped to her feet and screamed at him.

Kurama walked into the stage area. "Where did you pull those numbers out of? They're utterly ridiculous and completely false."

"Didn't you know? 86.1% of all the facts on this show are made up on the spot! Including that one!" Risu exclaimed cheerfully. Himizu nodded sagely.

"She's right you know."

"This is insane, and I refuse to be a part of it!" Kurama exclaimed.

"You're not really part of it though, you're just the guy we consult on random occasions when we need someone smart-sounding to give us credibility," Ryouko pointed out.

"Why can't I do that? Then I wouldn't have to put up with you people as often," Hiei complained.

"Because, dearest, we want you here because we know you'll make the program fun," Ryouko said, throwing an arm around his shoulder. He glared at her, but didn't bother to shrug her off.

"And now let's go to the phones! If you've got an opinion you want to share with us about today's topic, please call us right now at 446-4981. That's Himizu-1 in case you were wondering, as in Himizu is number 1, bwa ha ha ha ha!" Himizu exclaimed. (A/N: Please don't call this number, I just made it up to make that joke about me being number 1, I refuse to encourage prank calling.)

"Oh this oughta be good, hearing from a bunch of dumbasses who don't really know what we're talking about but they have strong opinions anyways and they feel the need for some kind of feeble recognition for just a few moments," Risu muttered, rolling her eyes.

"Oh hush your mouth, don't insult our callers," Himizu snapped. "Oh, we've got someone on the line. Caller, what would you like to say or ask?"

"Um, I just want to say that Naruto is a huge cheater. There's no way he should have been able to pass any of his ninja exams," the caller said.

Shika's eyes narrowed even more if that were possible. "I recognize that voice. That's Neji."

"Neji, I think you've completely missed the point of this episode," Ryouko said. "It's about cheating in a relationship. Unless you're going to tell us that Naruto does that too…"

"Um… yes! Yes, he absolutely does! He cheats on the person he's with all the time!" Neji exclaimed.

"And would that be his relationship with Sasuke or the one with Hinata?" Risu asked, leaning towards the phone.

"Both! I mean… wait! No! No, he is absolutely not with my cousin! Of course it's Sasuke he's cheating on!"

"Mhm, and who is he cheating on Sasuke with? Hinata? Does he swing both ways?" Risu demanded, jumping to her feet and slamming her hands down on the table.

"Damnit, I told you he's not with my cousin! He's cheating on Sasuke with… Gaara."

An army of demonic fire-squirrels bearing pitchforks and swords appeared all around Risu. "NEJI YOU SON OF A BITCH, HOW DARE YOU SPREAD THESE FOUL LIES ABOUT GAARA! I'M GOING TO KILL THE CRAP OUT OF YOU!"

"You're still at the studio, I'm watching you on TV."

"Yes, but little do you realize that I've dispatched Gaara to your location!" Risu screamed, laughing maniacally.

"You… what? Oh god! There's sand everywhere! WHAT'S HAPPENING?" he screamed. "Oh god someone help me! Gaara, I didn't mean it, I swear! You were the first person I thought of! I'm sorry!" There was a long drawn-out scream and then the sound of the phone cutting off.

There was silence for several seconds, then Himizu shook her head. "Well, that was entertaining. I'm sure everything will turn out fine there. And it looks like we have another caller! Caller, what do you have to say about cheating?"

"Yes, um, my left eyebrow is cheating on my right eyebrow with my left eyebrow!" the caller exclaimed.

There was a long silence. Surprisingly, Hiei was the first to speak.

"Who the hell is this nutcase and what is he talking about?"

"Rock Lee?" Shika finally said.

"Yes! It is I, the great Rock Lee! And my eyebrows are renowned throughout the land!" he exclaimed.

"Your left eyebrow is cheating on your right eyebrow with your left eyebrow? What part of that sentence makes even the least bit of sense?" Ryouko finally exclaimed.

"It's a metaphor!"

"Bullshit!" Risu exclaimed. "You're an idiot!"

"Well… no… no, what I meant to say was the left one was cheating on the right one with the hair on my back!"

"You have hair on your back?" Himizu asked.

"Yeah… lots of it!" Lee exclaimed proudly.

"Ewww…" all three girls exclaimed together.

"Lee, with a revelation like that… Sakura will never want to date you now," Risu pointed out.

"NNNOOOOOO!" Lee screamed. "HOW CAN THIS BE? I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE HER SEE THAT I AM THE ONY MAN FOR HER!"

Himizu quickly reached out and hit the disconnect button. "And that's all the time we have for today! We'll have another delightful topic to discuss next week, with marvelous inputs from our panel and from our guest speakers and callers! Have a wonderful night everyone, and until next time!" She stood up and waved to the camera. Then Gir jumped up and grabbed the camera lens and put his face right up against it.

"MONKEY! MONKEY!"

A/N: Hope you enjoyed, please review!


	2. Ugliest Color

A/N: Still don't own YYH, Naruto, or Invader Zim, or Rurouni Kenshin or Tivo, or anything else I might have mentioned and forgot about.

Chapter 2: Ugliest Color

"And now… your favorite show for gossip, drama, and some semblance of talking about current events and serious topics… it's… Himizu Recently! And here's your host, Himizu!"

Himizu walked out, waved at her audience, and settled in her seat at the head of the table. "Hello everyone, we've got a fantastic show in store for you today, but first, let's have a round of applause for my panel. Risu, Ryouko, Hiei, and Shikamaru, hello to you all!"

"Hey there Himizu!" Ryouko and Risu exclaimed, waving excitedly. Shika had his feet on the table and was leaning back with his head resting in his hands and looking utterly bored. Hiei was leaning forward with his head resting on one hand and looking more annoyed than bored.

"Is this going to be any better than the last one? Because that was just awful," he grumbled.

Himizu shot a death glare at him that would've killed him had her glare actually had any physical powers. "Any time you want to stop being a total jerk is fine with me. And you'll like this show. Gir, the topic please!"

The tiny robot raced onto the stage. "I MADE WAFFLES!" he squealed, carrying a plate loaded with waffles above his head.

"…Why thank you Gir, but I need the topic for today even more."

"YOU GOTTA EAT MY WAFFLES THOUGH!" Gir exclaimed.

"… … …Fine, but after you give me the waffles, you have to give me the topic so everyone can think about it while we eat.

"Okey-dokey!" Gir ran forward and gave them all plates of waffles, then handed Himizu the show's topic. She took it and glanced at it.

"Ah yes! Today's topic… worst color of clothing a human being, or demon, could ever wear!"

"Neon green!" Risu exclaimed.

"Mustard yellow!" Ryouko yelled.

"Bright pink…" Hiei snarled.

"Anything rainbow-patterned…" Shika muttered.

Himizu grinned. "I would have to say puke green myself."

Hiei clapped his hands together. "Well, there we go. Everyone offered an opinion, there's nothing to discuss here, so let's all go home."

Risu jumped off her seat, stalked over to Hiei, and punched him right in the face. "SILENCE, FOOL! Actually, wait… no silence! We need a discussion! DISCUSS, FOOL!" She drew back her fist to hit him again, but Ryouko jumped up and tackled her and they started strangling and slapping each other.

"WHY DID YOU TACKLE ME?"

"YOU HIT HIEI!"

"HE WAS BEING ANNOYING!"

"GAARA IS ANNOYING ALL THE TIME AND YOU DON'T SEE ME HITTING HIM!"

"YOU COULD NEVER HIT GAARA, HIS AWESOMENESS WOULD DESTROY YOU!"

"BITE ME! NO MORE HITTING HIEI!"

"ONLY IF HE ACTUALLY PARTICIPATES IN THE DISCUSSION LIKE HE'S SUPPOSED TO!"

"HE WILL SERIOUSLY CONSIDER IT!"

"GOOD BECAUSE THERE IS PAIN IN HIS FUTURE IF HE DOES NOT PARTICIPATE!"

"I SAID DON'T HIT HIM!"

"ONLY IF HE DISCUSSES!"

"HE WILL!"

"SOMEHOW I DOUBT THAT!"

"O YE OF LITTLE FAITH!"

"I HAVE FAITH! FAITH IN THE CHURCH OF CHURCH!"

"THAT ISN'T EVEN RELEVANT!"

"FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS CONVERSATION IT IS!"

"Ladies, please!" Himizu exclaimed, jumping to her feet. "This isn't Jerry Springer! We have more class than that show! At least until we have alcohol, but that is beside the point…"

Ryouko and Risu stared blankly at her for a moment before finally sitting down. Himizu nodded in approval.

"Good, good. Now let's bring out our fashion expert… Pengin!"

Pengin walked in wearing his usual tight black pants and equally tight white shirt with black vest and his hair spiked and poofed up giving him another three inches in height. He waved excitedly like a hyper child and practically skipped over to Himizu and hugged her, then hugged Ryouko and Risu. He turned to Hiei and Shika, but both were glaring at him nastily so he skipped the hug and sat down at the table. "Hello everyone!" he exclaimed. "It's great to see you all! What's up?"

"Well Pengin, I'm sure you saw the last episode of this show," Himizu said with a smile. Pengin laughed.

"Well duh! You sent Risu to my house to threaten me with a knife until I agreed to Tivo the premiere episode, then you sent Ryouko to present me with a contract. You know you could've just asked me yourself… without the threats."

"You're right, I could have. But I had a bunch of meetings and I didn't want to ask you over the phone, so I sent Ryouko. As for Risu, well that was her condition for doing the show, even though I'm pretty sure she would have done the show without that, but I figured there was no harm in it."

"No harm my ass! She threatened to shave my hair!"

"No one wants to hear about your ass, we know what you get up to. But Risu, why threaten the hair? No one wants to see a bald Pengin."

"It was fun!" Risu exclaimed, looking delighted.

"Did you just invite him out here so you guys could sit here and gossip like we're on The View?" Shika growled. "This is so stupid… I could be in bed right now."

All three girls turned to glare at him. Blue light shone around Himizu and her eyes started to glow as though she were possessed.

"Shikamaru, if you ever compare me, my show, my friends, or anything related to me to The View again, I will destroy you. No one will ever know what happened to you because you will drop so completely off the face of the earth. Do we understand each other?"

Shika gulped, but tried to keep a brave face. "I've faced off against some incredibly powerful ninjas, do you really think I'm afraid of you?"

Hiei shook his head pityingly. "You sad simple fool…"

Himizu growled angrily and the blue light around her took on an aura of fire and the temperature of the room they were filming in dropped so drastically that ice crystals started forming on the walls and the furniture. The dramatic and terrifying mood wasn't even broken by Gir squealing and laughing maniacally as he slid around on his belly over the ice that had formed on the floor. Shika's eyes got huge and he got several huge sweatdrops.

"Alright, alright, I'm sorry I said anything about The View! You are so much better than those silly women, and you and your friends aren't a bunch of cackling hens!"

"So glad you agree," Himizu said with a sweet smile, settling back in her chair. The blue light vanished and so did all the ice. The temperature returned to normal and Gir skidded to a halt without ice to keep up the momentum.

"Awww, but I liked sledding," he whimpered. Then he was distracted by a butterfly flying by the window and started hopping around and squealing in the background. Himizu and her panel ignored him.

"Pengin, the reason we called you here is to ask what, in your opinion, is the worst color that a human or demon could ever wear?" Ryouko said. Pengin thought about this for a long moment.

"I would have to say… black."

Everyone stared blankly at Pengin. Every single person around the table had at least one article of clothing with at least some black on it, and Pengin was wearing the most black out of all of them. Then he grinned.

"I'm just messing with you guys. In all seriousness, I would have to say puce. It's not purple, it's not pink, it's not red. It's not flattering to any complexion, it doesn't mix well with other clothing colors, and it does nothing for hair or eyes. Plus it's one of the most disgusting words in the world. Puce! I throw up in my mouth a little every time I say the word, it is just that gross."

The girls all paused to consider this. "It's a fair point," Risu said finally.

"True… well it seems everyone has a different opinion. Not that I expected anything else. We're not here to lay down the laws of the universe or anything. But anyways, let's go to the phones. What it the most disgusting color for any human or demon to ever wear? Caller, you're live!"

"Uh, yeah… listen, no self-respecting man should wear pink. Like, ever. You may think that it shows you're confident in your manhood, but it doesn't. It shows that you're a whiny little girl."

"Dude, watch what you say! I bet a bunch of Yu Yu Hakusho fans are watching this and they will be so pissed that you're insulting Kurama like that!" Ryouko exclaimed. Hiei glanced at her, a puzzled look on his face.

Kurama stormed out on stage. "THIS IS NOT PINK! I'M GETTING SO SICK OF SAYING THIS!"

"You're just in denial, and you know it," Risu told him gently. Himizu was staring intently at the phone.

"I swear I recognize this voice… Is this Sanosuke Zagara? From Rurouni Kenshin?"

"Damn, how did you know? But since it's out there, yeah, Kenshin is the most feminine looking dude ever…"

"ORO? Sessha is not feminine!" Kenshin cried in the background.

"Wait, if you're Kenshin and Co…. How the hell are you watching this show or calling in? You don't have TV, cable, or phones!" Himizu exclaimed. There were loud crashes and bangs and they all heard Kaoru screaming in the background, then the line went dead.

"Seriously, how were they calling us?" Ryouko finally asked.

"One of the great mysteries of the universe. Next caller!" Himizu said.

"I think that bright orange is the worst color ever. I mean, has anyone seen Naruto's new outfit? It makes children cry, strikes old people blind, and makes all women vomit."

Shika stared at the phone. "Why is Neji calling again? Seriously…"

"Yeah, Neji, are you going to make this a theme, to call and bitch about Naruto?" Risu demanded. Neji muttered something profane under his breath and he slammed the phone down with a resounding click. Risu shrugged. "He's right though, Naruto's new outfit is horrible. It's half the reason I wanted to do this episode, I was hoping someone besides me would bring it up."

"Right… anyways… I think we have time for one more caller. You're on Himizu Recently, say your piece!" Himizu exclaimed.

"I just want to say that I think any color in the universe would look amazing on the lovely Sakura!"

"This is either Naruto, or…" Himizu trailed off.

"He would have whined about us making fun of his outfit. That means it can only be…" Ryouko continued.

"At least he's not blabbering about his eyebrows or hair…" Shika muttered.

"LEE, SAKURA WILL NEVER DATE YOU! GREEN DOES NOT MATCH HER SKIN TONE!" Risu screamed at the phone. There was a drawn-out scream from the other end before the line went dead. Pengin cleared his throat.

"Actually I've seen her. I think green would look amazing with her skin tone and her eyes."

"No one asked your opinion!" Risu yelled.

"Yes you did, you guys invited me on the show! What do you want me to do, sit here and look pretty? I can do that too of course…" He was cut off as Risu started strangling him.

Hiei's eyebrows went up. "Why do we even take calls on this show?"

"For the cheap laughs," Himizu said with a smile. "That's all the time we have for today. See you next week!"

A/N: Hope you enjoyed, please review!


	3. Rappers

A/N: I don't own any anime characters, music artists, songs, etc. that I may have used in this chapter. All opinions herein are mine, for the most part. There are a few that are taken from real conversations with real-life friends. This chapter is for entertainment purposes only.

"And now… your favorite show for gossip, drama, and some semblance of talking about current events and serious topics… it's… Himizu Recently! And here's your host, Himizu!"

Himizu walked out and waved. "Hello everyone! Greetings, friendly panel!"

"'Sup Himizu!" Ryouko said. The others just waved.

"So what shall we discuss today?" Himizu asked, taking her seat at the head of the table.

"I would like to discuss rap artists," Risu said.

"Please tell me she's kidding…" Hiei muttered.

"For the first time in my life I agree with Hiei," Himizu said. "Why in the world would you want to discuss rap artists?"

"Well there are several things we could talk about. Who we think are actually decent artists, all the crimes they commit, the stupid shit they buy with the obscene amounts of money they have…" Risu ticked the items off on her fingers as she spoke.

"Hm… okay, we can give this a try," Himizu agreed after a minute. "Who wants to start?"

"AKON IS THE WORST SINGER EVER AND HE NEEDS TO DIE!" Ryouko yelled, jumping to her feet. Himizu rolled her eyes.

"I knew you were going to say that! Every time we talk about rap music, you have to hate on Akon!" she exclaimed. "Don't make me start hating on Eminem!"

"Eminem is awesome and you have serious issues!" Ryouko exclaimed. "Akon's voice is ungodly and grating!"

"I do not have issues! Akon's voice may be unusual, but that's part of the appeal. Eminem is a pansy-ass sell-out bitch whose entire career is based on the fact that he's a white guy who talks over music instead of singing. Also that he hates his mother."

"His career is based on the fact that he can rap WELL, unlike Akon!"

"I disagree. Eminem does not rap well at all, but everyone says he does because he's white and he acts like a gangster, which is apparently still a novelty even though he's been doing the exact same thing for like 20 years or something. He made a movie about his life for heaven's sakes! Once you do that, you lose all credibility! Take Ice-T for example, he started acting and do you even know a song he sang ever?"

"No, but he still has a successful career. He's awesome in Law & Order SVU, he and Munch are the best characters."

"I absolutely agree with that, this isn't a discussion about his acting abilities. This is pointing out that his rap career is over."

"Eminem made it work and the fact that he's still rapping proves he's better than the rest of them."

"No it means he should have taken the hint and stopped before he became a sad caricature of his former self!"

"MOCKINGBIRD! That song is awesome!" Ryouko yelled.

"No. It is a shitty song. You're delusional," Himizu objected.

"Wait, wait, wait, have you listened to his newest stuff?" Risu asked.

"No, I hate the old stuff and I don't expect him to get any better."

"Well how can you say you don't like him without hearing his new stuff? His new shit is off the hook!" Risu exclaimed. Everyone stared at her. "Yes, I just said 'off the hook'. Don't question me!"

"Okay, seriously, if you guys are just going to have this argument, which I might add, is the same argument you have whenever you start talking about rap, can the rest of us leave?" Hiei asked.

"No! You are not permitted to leave!" Himizu exclaimed. "Ryouko, keep him here using whatever means necessary!"

"Yes ma'am!" Ryouko exclaimed, jumping up and tackling Hiei out of his chair.

"Moving on…" Risu said quickly. "Does anyone else find those rap videos annoying though? These guys just talk to some music and for some reason they get a bunch of money for that."

"I know, right?" Himizu agreed. "They do so little work and they just get all this money and these slutty women falling all over them. What's up with that?"

"Wait, you're telling me that these rap artists just talk over some music and that's it?" Shikamaru asked.

"They make some videos where they drink champagne, or if they are T-pain, they might hop around and act like they're dancing, and they go on tours and fight off all the women that want to sleep with them," Risu said. Himizu nodded agreement.

Shika frowned. "That's all they do? Really?"

"Yeah. Doesn't it just piss you off?"

"It does. Please excuse me for a moment," Shika said, standing up and walking out of the studio. Ryouko had somehow chained Hiei to the desk and she stared after Shika.

"Where the hell is he going?" she asked.

"Why does he get to leave and I don't?" Hiei whined.

"Because we all figured he was too lazy to ever move once we dropped him in that chair so we didn't think to try to stop him," Himizu mused. "Where's Gir?"

"TACOS TACOS TACOS TACOS! I WANT TACOS!" the little robot-dog thing squealed, running in and jumping onto Himizu's head, where he tried to eat her hair. Himizu's eye twitched very slightly.

"Gir?" she asked, still looking surprisingly calm.

"Yesssss?" he asked, craning his neck to stare down at her.

"What the hell are you doing?" she asked, still looking almost eerily calm. The eye twitch was now more perceptible.

"You have tacos on your head! I'm eating them!" he squealed.

Himizu closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them again, instead of normal eyeballs, she had blue flames where her eyes usually were. "Gir…"

Gir started to curl up a little to make himself as small of a target as possible. "Uh oh… angry tacos…"

"GIR, IF YOU DON'T GET OFF ME RIGHT NOW, I WILL RELEASE ZIM FROM THE STASIS CHAMBER AND LET HIM DESTROY YOU EIGHTEEN WAYS TO NEXT WEEK! Which he will want to do by the way, since it was your betrayal that got him shut up in the stasis chamber in the first place…" Himizu added thoughtfully.

Gir started wailing pathetically. "I'm sorry tacos, I won't eat you anymore! Waahhhhh!"

Himizu sweatdropped. "Yeah… okay…"

Shikamaru chose that moment to walk back into the room. He was wearing gigantic pants three sizes too big for him, a wife beater, sneakers, shades, a number of gold chains, and a do-rag. He was holding a large stack of cash and was being trailed by a bevy of buxom and barely-clad bitches. Everyone stared at him in shock.

"Shika… what the hell?" Risu finally demanded.

"Nothin homey, be chill," Shika drawled. "Big Daddy Shika just went out and got him some fly little shawties."

"You were gone five minutes!" Ryouko yelled.

"Bitch, don't make me start smackin you around wit my pimp hand!" Shika exclaimed.

Himizu put her head in her hand for a moment as she tried to figure out what to do. "Shika, did you seriously just go out and start a rapping career?" she asked finally.

"Yo girl, straight up! I laid down a fly track and now bitches be all over me cuz I can make it rain!" Shika exclaimed.

"We're going to hell…" Himizu said finally. Shika noticed that Hiei was chained to the table and he glared at Ryouko and Risu.

"Bitches, listen up! I dunno which of y'all decided that my home boy Hiei was your damn dog, but he ain't, k? Me and him gon' have a party with the fly shawties and you bitches ain't gon' be getting any love from either of us cuz ya'll are haters. Now y'all gon' be lettin' him go right now, ya hear?"

"He's kidding, right? This is a joke, right?" Ryouko said.

"Bitch, let my bro go right now!" Shika yelled.

Himizu pointedly turned away from the insanity and focused on the camera. "Okay well the discussion has gone downhill apparently, so let's just go to the phones and see what everybody has to say. Caller, you're live!"

"Yeah, hi, I'd just like to say that Naruto reminds me a rapper cuz he's a huge jerk and nobody wants to be around him, but somehow he's insanely successful anyways," the caller said.

Shika turned from where he had finally convinced Ryouko to release Hiei. "Yo, fo real dawg? That's the best you could come up with?" he exclaimed.

"Shika, what the hell are you doing?" the caller exclaimed.

"I be chillin' wit' my home boy Hiei! We gon' open up a bottle of Patron and have a party up in here, fo real! Neiji, you should come and join us, home slice! You need to be chillaxin', knawamean?"

"I think I will pass…" Neiji said dryly.

"Word up son, whenever you wanna party, you hit me up, k?" Shika yelled, making a peace sign at the camera.

"Uh… yeah… okay… I'm hanging up now."

"That would be for the best," Himizu agreed. "Next caller please."

"Hi, my eyebrows are about to start a rapping career and their gimmick is that they're going to be fighting each other all the time, you know, have a beef or whatever they call it…"

Himizu sighed. "Rock Lee… I really do not feel like putting up with your nonsense today. DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M DEALING WITH RIGHT NOW? DO YOU?"

Shika was now sprawled in his chair and throwing money at his hos, who were now dancing on the table. Hiei was sitting next to him and drinking Patron. Ryouko and Risu were pulling out croquet mallets.

"Dis is da life, home slide, ya heard?" Shika exclaimed, grabbing the Patron and drinking straight from the bottle.

"Now you listen to me right now, Rock Lee! I do not want to hear another word about your stupid eyebrows, at least until I get this place back under control! Do I make myself clear?" she yelled.

"Yes ma'am. Sorry ma'am."

"Better… Okay, my producers are demanding that I take one more call, so here we go."

"Yeah, I just wanted to point out that there's a reason why there are no good female rappers…"

At that precise moment, Risu and Ryouko pounced, hitting Shika over the head with their croquet mallets until he was unconscious. Hiei grabbed the bottle and Patron and started downing it as fast as he could before the girls stole it. Ryouko and Risu snatched the (much smaller) stack of money, then tore off the rapper clothes, revealing Shika's normal clothes underneath. Then they threw the money out the open window, which sent the hos running and jumping out the window in their haste to catch the money. Ignoring their screams as they fell several stories to strike the pavement, the girls proceeded to tie Shika to a chair, steal the bottle of Patron from Hiei, and start drinking it themselves. Ryouko was kind enough to pour a glass for Himizu, who took it and sipped it thoughtfully before she responded.

"WHAT? No good female rappers? Are you deaf, you woman-hating son of a whore?" Himizu yelled at the phone. "Girls, Yusuke Urameshi says there are no good female rappers! Name some!"

"Didn't Fergie do some rapping?" Risu asked.

"She doesn't count! Pick someone else," Yusuke told them.

"Lisa Lopes, everyone knows her name," Ryouko said.

"Yeah, but no one knows any song she's ever done except that one with *NSYNC," Yusuke told her.

"Nicki Minaj! She's great and super popular right now!" Risu said.

"Okay, she's not bad, but she sings sometimes too, got anything else," Yusuke asked.

"Lil Kim, she's old-school but she knew how to rap with the big boys! Can't deny that!" Ryouko said triumphantly.

"Okay, one person. And there's, what, like a thousand male rappers? Is that all you got?" Yusuke asked.

"Missy Elliot! Queen Latifah!" Risu said.

"Queen Latifah is an actress now, supposedly. One of you said it earlier, they lose credibility when they act."

"Ha, see, I told you! Eminem is no longer a rapper!" Himizu exclaimed triumphantly.

"Fine, here's a list!" Ryouko exclaimed. "Charli Baltimore, Kid Sister, Jean Grae, Monie Love, Jacki O, Remy Ma, Trina…"

"You are reading those off the internet using your smartphone!" Yusuke yelled at her. "See, no one knows any popular female rappers because there aren't any!"

"What about Lady Sovereign?" Himizu asked. "She's amazing and her British accent is adorable."

"Does anyone even listen to Lady Sovereign anymore? Has she even been producing music?" Ryouko asked.

"Yeah, she's too weird, no one cares about her anymore, at least not in America," Risu agreed.

"That… that can't be right! She's wonderful! I love her Public Warning CD!" Himizu exclaimed.

"Yeah, no one actually cares about her anymore. They're all listening to the latest Rihanna, Lady Gaga, and Usher," Ryouko said.

"All good artists, but still… really? No one likes Lady Sovereign except me?" Himizu asked. The other two girls shook their heads. Hiei was still drinking Patron and Shika was still knocked out. Gir was nowhere to be seen. Himizu shook her head sadly. "Well that kind of ruined my day… On that sad note, time to end the show for the day I think. Until next week everyone!"

A/N: Please review!


	4. Racism

Chapter 4: Racism

Disclaimer: I don't own my panel, my callers, my Gir, any of the random crap we mess around with, any of the people or shows I reference, etc. etc. etc. I only own myself, Ryouko, Risu, and Pengin... though I'm sure they will dispute that.

"And now… your favorite show for gossip, drama, and some semblance of talking about current events and serious topics… it's… Himizu Recently! And here's your host, Himizu!"

Himizu walked out and waved, then sat down at the head of her table. "Hello everyone, how are you today?" she asked.

"Just wonderful!" Ryouko said with a grin. "I'm going to be watching new episodes of Lie to Me on my iPhone instead of paying attention to this show."

"Oh… good…" Himizu said with a frown.

"I'm doing just fine!" Risu said. "I will be playing Halo on this Xbox that I… found…"

"I see…"

"…" Hiei glared at her, then put his feet on the table and leaned back and fell asleep.

"…" Himizu was frowning deeply now.

"I hate all of you…" Shika growled. "I had it all…"

"And it turned you into an ass, plus it wasn't going to last. Where did you get your accent from anyways, a racist's interpretation of MTV?" Himizu demanded.

"I still hate you," Shika said, ignoring the question.

"Does anyone know where Gir is?" Himizu asked finally.

"Nope, he disappeared last week and we haven't seen him since. Maybe one of the hos stole him and pawned him for crack money," Risu said, glaring at Shika.

"Oh shut up, they were nice girls!" Shika exclaimed.

"They were not nice at all! The one kept trying to make you stick the money in her thong!" Ryouko told him.

"ENOUGH!" Himizu yelled, slamming her hand down on the table. Everyone jumped and turned to stare at her. "Now listen, we have a show to do, so put away the distractions, forget about the insanity from last week, and let's focus, okay?"

"Yes ma'am!" everyone exclaimed.

"Now, we got some complaints about the show last week because several viewers thought we were being racist. Especially you, Shikamaru!"

Shika rolled his eyes, but didn't respond.

"Now I'm not going to comment on whether he was being racist or not…" Himizu said icily, "but I would like to point out that even though we did make a point of hating on Eminem just because he's a white rapper, that doesn't make us racist. We weren't emphasizing the fact that most rappers are black or in any way suggesting that this was a reason to mock them."

"Yeah, we mocked the rappers because of the stuff they do, not the color of their skin," Ryouko agreed.

"Now that we've apologized for that, let's move on to today's topic, which is people who go crazy over race like it's a huge thing," Himizu said brightly.

"Oh this has trouble written all over it. Are you sure we want to do this?" Risu asked.

"Quite sure. First of all, do you guys know who Raffi Torres is?" Himizu received nothing but a bunch of blank stares. She sighed. "Oh you sad pitiful souls… Raffi is a hockey player. He used to play for the Blue Jackets."

"Oh of course… you and your damn hockey…" Ryouko griped.

"Eventually we'll have a segment wherein I will explain why hockey is infinitely superior to all other sports, but until then…" Himizu trailed off and grinned. "Let's stay on topic."

"Okay so what does this lame hockey player have to do with racism?" Ryouko asked.

"He's not lame! Anyways, he and his wife dressed up as Jay-Z and Beyoncé for Halloween this year and the media went a little nuts over it because they both colored their skin a little darker. Google the pictures!"

"So what?" Risu asked.

"Well the media decided they were being racist, called the paint 'blackface' and just generally went crazy over the whole thing."

"Well were they being racist? I mean how dark of skin are we talking here?" Ryouko asked.

"Just a regular brown, normal looking color. And they're not making fun of them or anything. These are two genuinely good costumes that are a homage to two wonderful celebrities who happen to be black, and these two people happen to have lighter skin."

"That's silly. If they're not making fun of them at all, what's the problem?" Ryouko asked.

"Yeah, I mean I don't get offended when some jackass jock dresses up with over-exaggerated cartoonish boobs and a dress and wig even though I'm a woman, and that's actually a fairly offensive costume," Risu said.

"And the media really didn't help the situation by saying that they'd used blackface. I mean, tell me what part of that doesn't conjure up bad images of the more racially insensitive olden days?" Himizu said.

"Yeah, that's just bad. I can't see how anyone could read the headline and not come away with a bad taste in their mouth. You'd have to actually read the article before you could know that it wasn't actually that bad, but who reads whole articles anymore?" Ryouko asked. Himizu started to raise her hand, but Ryouko glared at her. "You don't count, bookworm."

"So what it all comes down to is irresponsible journalism," Risu said.

"I would agree with that. I think you could take most of the problems in the world and trace them back to some asshole sensationalist journalist," Himizu agreed.

"Wait, why are we the only three talking… again?" Ryouko asked, glaring at the two boys. Hiei opened one eye to stare at her.

"What do you want me to say? I don't know anything about this topic. Demons don't worry about the color of your skin, we're DEMONS… half of us have green or purple or orange skin, it's not an issue. It's just a matter of which one is the strongest or most powerful."

"And to think, up until that point I was ready to ask why the demons are being more civilized than the humans…" Ryouko mused. Hiei snorted and closed his eye again.

"Shika, any thoughts?" Risu asked the sullen nin.

"I think the whole thing is idiotic."

"Well, good, we're all in agreement for once," Himizu said cheerfully.

"I didn't mean the story, I haven't been listening to a word you lot have been saying. I mean this show, and I mean how you guys stole all my stuff! I had life made!" he whined.

"You know the only reason we have to do this segment is because you reminded everyone of racist caricatures, right?" Risu pointed out. He glared at her.

"I'm not apologizing for anything."

"He was clearly under the influence of several powerful drugs. Oh well, hopefully the withdrawal will be gone by next week," Himizu said with mock cheerfulness. "Let's see if we have any guests today. Pengin, you little bitch, did you decide to show up today?"

"Yes ma'am I did," the penguin exclaimed, strolling in wearing his usual tight black clothing and hugging her.

"Wait, why are you hugging her when she just called you a bitch?" Hiei asked.

"It's a term of endearment. Actually, she didn't use my full title."

"You're right, I'm sorry, Queen High Bitch," Himizu said with a smile. "And unlike with some people we know, that actually is a term of endearment and not a horribly accurate moniker."

"Anyways, so did you look at that picture? Oh. My. God! His wife is just all kinds of beautiful in that picture. She really knew how to rock the Beyoncé costume," Pengin said. "And Raffi… Mmhmmm."

"So you liked the costumes?" Ryouko asked him.

"Oh yeah, big time. They were really great and you could totally tell who they were supposed to be."

"And did you find it racist?"

"Absolutely not! It was a homage to two beautiful people and they really pulled it off."

"Even though they were wearing blackface?"

"Isn't that where you paint your face black and jump around like a retarded monkey?"

"That's what they used to do back when being racist was a part of everyday life," Himizu said.

"Well that's not what these two were doing. It wasn't even black. They used some makeup or paint or something to darken their skin and it looked beautiful."

"So by calling it blackface, the media is blowing it way out of proportion?"

"Oh, for sure. For sure. In fact, I would even go so far as to say that it would have been more racist if they HADN'T darkened their skin. I mean, a white Jay-Z and a white Beyoncé? That sounds even worse!"

"Damned if they do, damned if they don't. I suppose the media thinks they should've just picked different costumes," Risu said.

"And that isn't fair at all. Those costumes were homages, and they should be allowed to dress like whoever they want to dress as!" Ryouko said.

"Excellent, consensus continues. Let's go to the phones!" Himizu exclaimed. "Caller, you're live."

"Hi, I'd just like to say that Naruto is the most racist person that I've ever met and…"

"Neiji, goddamnit! This is getting really old!" Shika exclaimed.

"He's right dude, and Naruto can't be racist because there aren't any non-white people in the Naruto universe," Ryouko said.

"Dude, yes there are!" Risu exclaimed. "Not many, and you don't see them often, but they're there."

"He's still racist," Neiji said.

"Against who?" Ryouko asked.

"Against… uh… bunny rabbits."

"Neiji, you're retarded," Ryouko exclaimed. "Never call us again!"

"Hey, as the host, I'm the only one who's allowed to make that kind of call… but she's right, Neiji. Don't ever call here again."

"But I-"

Himizu hit the disconnect button. "And that's enough of that. Next caller."

"Hi, my right eyebrow is totally racist against my left eyebrow."

"It is not normal for someone to be that obsessed with their own goddamn eyebrows…" Hiei muttered, massaging his forehead.

"Wait, did anyone ever watch that Dilbert cartoon? Where the Elbonians are racist against left-handed people? Lee, is your right eyebrow from Elbonia?" Risu demanded.

"What? Uh… I don't think so…"

"ELBONIANS ARE ALL ASSHOLES! AS ONE OF SATAN'S MINIONS, IT IS MY SWORN DUTY TO EXTERMINATE THEM!" Himizu exclaimed, jumping to her feet and holding a pitchfork in her left hand and stabbing the air wildly with it.

"You're left handed?" Shika asked. "Why does that make you Satan's minion?"

"Something people believed in ancient times… and still believe today now that science has proved that they murder their twins in the womb…" Risu said, looking pointedly at Himizu.

"I DID NOT!" Himizu yelped.

"YES YOU DID! You murdered your twin in the womb and then you reabsorbed its body… CANNIBAL!" Risu yelled at Himizu.

"Hey, just because I murdered my unborn twin does not mean I also feasted on their flesh!" Himizu exclaimed.

"Uh, yes it does… And it's a perfect crime! There is no evidence! You ate all the evidence!"

"How did I eat the evidence? I did not have teeth!"

"Yes you did!"

"No I didn't! No baby is born with teeth!"

"You were an exception!"

"If I had been born with teeth, my mother would have stabbed me in the heart with a cross as soon as she saw them!"

"The teeth fell out right after you were born! You were crying and you turned to the side and you coughed and they fell out and NO ONE SAW THEM!"

"You are full of shit!"

"This is only going to go downhill from here…" Ryouko said with a sigh, leaning back and crossing her arms.

"Hey! Hello! Are you guys still paying attention to me? Can't we talk about my eyebrows?" Rock Lee whined.

"You're still on the line? What the hell is wrong with you?" Risu exclaimed. "Shut up, hang up, give up!"

"Give up on what?"

"LIFE! Also your crush on Sakura, she hates your guts."

"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!" he wailed. Himizu hit the disconnect button and stared at the phone for a minute.

"Well at least we got rid of him. We seriously need to get a better class of caller. We should really do something about that… Until next time everybody!"

A/N: Hope you enjoyed. Please review!


	5. Daytime Talk Show Hosts

A/N: Here it is! The latest installment... or something. This chapter is weird. What else is new? I don't own anything, ESPECIALLY the TV shows and hosts that I discuss this week.

Chapter 5: Daytime Talk Show Hosts

"And now… your favorite show for gossip, drama, and some semblance of talking about current events and serious topics… it's… Himizu Recently! And here's your host, Himizu!"

Himizu walked out on stage, waved, and sat down at the table with her panel. "Good evening everyone!"

"Hi Himizu!" Ryouko and Risu chorused. Shika flashed the peace sign and Hiei flipped her off. Himizu glared at him.

"Well I wasn't going to bring this up on the air, but now I really want to… So I've been getting a lot of letters and emails asking for Hiei to do a show while shirtless…"

Hiei glanced over at her. She stared directly at him.

"And I'm thinking of going along with it."

"NO!" Hiei snapped, glaring at her.

"What's wrong with that, I thought you liked parading around without a shirt," Himizu said rather nastily.

"I do not parade," Hiei grumbled, crossing his arms stubbornly. Ryouko snorted.

"Yes you do. But we forgive you, cuz you're so sexy."

Hiei cast a nervous glance in her direction. Before he could do anything though, a random fangirl jumped up in front of them.

"Hiei darling, I'm tired to seeing you tormented by these people! Come away from here with me and we can get married and have kids together!"

"No no no no no! I will not have a random fangirl bitch on my set contaminating everything with her stupidity!" Himizu yelped.

"I'll take her out for you. Hiei's free to choose whoever he wants to be with!" Ryouko exclaimed.

"You're keeping him prisoner in this studio!" the fangirl bitch exclaimed.

"Yes, but I'm not forcing him into a relationship with anyone," Ryouko said. "Unlike you, slut."

The girl let out an enraged squawk and dove at Ryouko, scratching at her and pulling her hair. Ryouko didn't bother with that pansy bullshit and went straight for punching and kicking. They fought and clawed at each other for several minutes before Bui of Yu Yu Hakusho came stomping out in his armor and with his giant ax to tear the two of them apart. He threw the fangirl right out the window, but Ryouko wiggled out of his grasp and sat on his helmet.

"Bui, you are awesome!" she exclaimed.

"Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve Steve Steve Steve Steve Steve Steve!" the audience started chanting.

"Hey! Hey! Knock it off right now!" Himizu yelled at the audience. "Stop that right now! We are a better class of show than that!"

"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry!" the audience continued chanting.

Himizu stood up and started throwing chairs from a stack of folding chairs. "I said stop it right now or I will throw every one of you out of here!" Suddenly she dropped the chair she was holding right onto the floor. "Oh my gosh! Moment of brilliance! You guys! I know what we can do for today's show!"

"What, you mean you didn't have a plan for today?" Shika asked.

"Gir still isn't back and I was storing all the topics in his torso," Himizu explained. "Anyways, my idea! Let's debate who the best TV show host of all time is!"

"Ooh yes, let's see who we can nominate. Jerry Springer of course. And Maury Povich. Ellen DeGeneres. Oprah Winfrey. Dr. Phil," Ryouko said.

"What about Joey Greco? Does he count?" Himizu asked.

"Well… not really… I don't think… he doesn't host any daytime TV shows, just Cheaters," Risu said.

"I didn't specify that it had to be a daytime show," Himizu argued.

"But then we'd have to include Ryan Seacrest and no one wants to include him on this list," Risu pointed out. "And also we'd have to include ourselves on the list and we'd win of course so it's not really a fair contest."

"Okay, fine. No Joey. Though if we ever do a show about scripted reality shows, Cheaters will have to appear again. THIS WILL NOT BE THE LAST TIME WE HEAR ABOUT CHEATERS!" Himizu declared dramatically.

"You're just a tiny bit obsessed with that show," Ryouko observed dryly.

"Oh shut up. Don't judge my one vice."

"Your ONE vice?" Risu exclaimed. "What about your—"

Himizu clapped her hand over the other girl's mouth. "That's enough out of you. Now, daytime talk show hosts. Who is the best? Is there even any such thing?"

"Well it certainly isn't Dr. Phil. That guy is such a pussy," Ryouko said.

"True, a good host needs to have some level of awesome. And also they need a little bit of compassion instead of just exploiting freaks just to have a show," Himizu said.

"Well that eliminates Jerry Springer. He doesn't give a shit about the people that come onto his show, he just wants the most messed up people he can find to exploit," Risu said.

"So is that why Himizu gets pissed off whenever anyone compares this show to Jerry Springer, because she doesn't like to have reality thrown in her face like that?" Shika asked. Himizu jumped up onto the table, walked across it, stopped in front of Shika, then kicked him in the head.

"You're a jerk, you know that?" she yelled at him.

"Bite me, witch," he snarled.

"You know what I hate about Maury?" Ryouko asked Risu, ignoring the scene developing in front of them. "He acts like he wants to help the people who come onto his show, but it's like, if you really want to help them, then you should be a therapist in a private practice, not dragging these people out to air their dirty laundry on national television. Jerry may be an uncaring jerk, but at least he's honest about not giving a shit. Maury just seems to be really good at hiding it."

"You make a good point. So that just leaves… Oprah and Ellen," Risu said.

"Well… Ellen is really funny. And adorable. And her dancing is really cute," Himizu said.

"Yeah… She's hilarious and sweet and just overall really great," Risu said, nodding.

"Okay, we have to stop beating around the bush," Ryouko said. "We all know why we don't want Oprah to be the best daytime talk show host."

"Don't say it, don't say it, don't say it…" Risu exclaimed.

"You're going to bring her wrath down on us…" Himizu whispered.

"We don't want Oprah to be the best because that would just increase her power and she already secretly runs the world," Ryouko said.

"You just spilled her secret!" Himizu shrieked. "She's going to murder the shit out of us!"

"She's not an almighty goddess," Ryouko said. At that moment, one of the lights on the ceiling fell, narrowly missing her. She uttered a 'meow' of surprise and made shooing motions towards the light.

"SEE?" Himizu cried. "She's going to destroy you, and then us, and we are doomed! Let's go to the phones!"

"Wait, what?" Ryouko exclaimed.

"Caller, you are live!"

"Hi, my eyebrows are in the process of getting a TV show. They're going to interview political pundits, and see what their policy is on grooming and hair care."

"DAMNIT ROCK LEE! WE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT THAN YOUR DAMN EYEBROWS!" Himizu yelled at him. "WE HAVE PROVOKED THE WRATH OF A GODDESS AND WE ARE GOING TO DIE!"

"If you're so worried about that, then why did you start taking callers?" Hiei asked.

"DON'T QUESTION ME!" Himizu screamed. "Next caller!"

"What are you doing?" Shika demanded.

"Hi, I think Naruto should go on one of those daytime talk shows so they can prove what a jerk he is, and also that he fathered some kids in our village so he should not be allowed anywhere near my cousin!"

"Oooh, scandal in the Leaf Village! I like it!" Risu exclaimed.

"Neiji… this obsession has got to go…" Shika said. "It's really not healthy. Get a girlfriend, man!"

"Or a boyfriend. We won't judge you!" Risu added.

"What? How dare you!" he cried.

"Oh I dare! What are you gonna do about it?" Risu yelled.

At that moment another light crashed down from the ceiling. Ryouko dove out of the way and again narrowly avoided being crushed.

"Holy crap!" she yelped. "Hiei, save me!"

"What, why? If you get hit by a light, this whole stupid show will be cancelled."

"Hiei, you better protect me or I'm going to tell them all about that one night where you got really drunk and-"

"You guys had sex? I knew it!" Himizu yelled.

"No, retard!" Ryouko yelled, hitting her with a baseball bat. "He got really drunk and when he's drunk he-"

"I will murder you right now. Test me," Hiei told her.

"You wouldn't. Not me. Himizu, sure. In a heartbeat. But not me."

"Test me. I dare you. Say one more word."

Ryouko was about to reply when a giant TV screen appeared out of nowhere and Oprah Winfrey appeared on the screen. "Greetings, mortals," her voice boomed in a completely friendly and non-threatening way somehow.

"Oh no…" Himizu whispered.

"What's this I hear about you telling everyone my secret?" she asked gently.

"Everyone already knows she runs the world, it wasn't a big deal!" Ryouko exclaimed.

"Not anymore. I've retired, remember?" Oprah said, still with plenty of honey and patience in her voice.

"And thus she can now run the world from her secret lair without anyone realizing the work that she still does. Soon the propaganda will begin, then the brainwashing, finally the political assassinations, until Oprah is the Supreme Ruler of the World and we are all under her benevolent thumb where provoking her wrath gets you eviscerated on national television," Himizu said.

"How exactly did you find out this grand plan?" Shika asked.

"It's part of a contract that all TV hosts have to sign, wherein they agree to never go against the almighty power that is Oprah."

"Seriously?" Shika asked.

"Quite serious," Himizu said.

"WAFFLE LADY!" a familiar high-pitched voice cried out, and then a little robot appeared next to Oprah. "I love you."

"Gir you little traitor, I'm going to murder you," Himizu exclaimed.

"And now you've tried to expose my secrets on national television. I have to punish you," Oprah said, hellfire appearing behind her.

"But we're still on the air. You just exposed your own secrets! Without our help!" Risu exclaimed.

Oprah was silent for a while. Then she cleared her throat. "It appears I have no choice. I will have to give you all an appropriate punishment."

A/N: Please review! I'd really like to know what people think of this fic.


	6. Finger Food and Fish

A.N: I keep forgetting this fic exists. No matter, there is only one chapter left after this one and I'll probably get bored and post it here soon since no one has bothered to review so there's no point in waiting for something... Anyways, don't own anything, all opinions expressed by me are in fact mine, yadda yadda yadda.

Chapter 6: Finger Food and Fish

"And now… your favorite show for gossip, drama, and some semblance of talking about current events and serious topics… it's… Himizu Recently! And here's your host, Himizu!"

Himizu was sitting with her feet propped up on the table. The large windows behind the tables had been shattered, water dripped from the ceiling, scorch marks coated the walls, and a few small fires were still burning around her. She looked annoyed, to put it mildly.

"Well it was lucky we were able to fight Oprah off just in time for this show, I guess," she said bitterly. Amazingly, she still looked pristine, with only a few rips in her shirt and pants to show that she had been involved in a battle.

"No kidding. When she invoked her robot army, I thought we were done for," Ryouko said. She had soot on her face and burn marks on her clothing.

"Oh please, the robots were nothing," Risu said with a psychotic smile. She appeared to be covered in motor oil. "Although when she used that creepy summoning spell to call all of her followers to this building… it was like something out of a zombie movie!" One look at her smile was enough to know that she found that exciting and fun rather than scary.

Hiei and Shikamaru looked at each other and sighed. Both boys had clearly been fighting hard and were bloodied and exhausted.

"Who could've known that Oprah's weakness was sweet potatoes?" Ryouko asked.

"Anyone who watches The Soup, duh!" Risu exclaimed.

"Do you think Gir was able to escape?" Ryouko asked.

Himizu frowned. "He should be okay. I told him to run around with the sweet potatoes for a while and that there was a great taco stand in Michigan he would like, so he went that way."

At that moment, a TV turned on as if by magic. The TV was turned to a news station and was reporting that Michigan had been overrun by Terminators and hordes of Oprah fans and that the entire state had been vaporized by the National Guard and the Canadian Mounties in order to protect the rest of America and Canada from being destroyed.

"Did we just accidentally destroy Michigan? Awesome!" Risu exclaimed.

"Who said anything about an accident?" Himizu asked as they watched hunters from Ohio patrol the borders to shoot any survivors that tried to escape. Then all of them got the surprise of their lives as a tiny green dog ran by carrying about 1500 pounds of tacos and screaming with joy. "See, I told you Gir would be fine," Himizu added.

"So what's the topic for today?" Ryouko asked.

"Okay, here it is… You know what's weird?" Himizu asked.

"The way the Brits and Canadians spell their words!" Risu cried. "Why do they switch their 'e's and 'r's, and what's up with those extra 'u's? Colour, flavour, humour, theatre, centre, spectre… I could go on and on. Why do they have to make spelling even more complicated than it already is?" she wailed.

"Listen, just because you can't spell…" Himizu began, but was interrupted when Hiei stood up and started walking purposefully towards the broken window. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" Himizu yelled.

"Away," Hiei replied. Ryouko looked at Himizu, who waved her hand wearily. Ryouko sprang through the air like a tiger, tackling Hiei to the ground. The pair rolled dangerously close to the edge, but came to stop a few inches away from a certain fall. Himizu, Risu, and Shika all looked completely bored as though they had expected this.

"How many times do I have to tell you, you don't get to leave!" Ryouko screamed at him, shaking his shoulders. Hiei glared at her.

"I really don't know why I listen to you," he said.

"I don't either. Does anyone know why he listens to me?" Ryouko asked.

"Because he doesn't want to upset his little love kitten since he clearly can't get enough of your body. I mean, look at this. You're straddling him and he can't take his eyes off you," Himizu said. Ryouko and Hiei both glared at her.

"I wasn't even looking at her," Hiei said.

"Oooh, you shouldn't have said that cuz now she's going to be all offended and…" Himizu was cut off by Ryouko hurling a boot at her head. "Hey! What the heck was that for?"

"There are no problems that cannot be solved by the application of a boot to someone's head," Risu told her patiently.

"Good point. Well I have an idea for the rest of the show. Let's discuss finger food."

"Finger food?" Shika repeated slowly. "As in, food you eat with your fingers, like chicken wings and pizza?"

"Yep!"

"And what is there to discuss?"

"Okay, have you ever seen somebody eat something that is normally a finger food with a knife and fork? Like cut up a piece of pizza or a burger or a chicken wing with a knife and eat it with a fork?"

"Sure, why?"

"Well it's just wrong!" Himizu exclaimed, jumping to her feet and slamming her hands down on the table.

"Whoa, over-react much?" Shika asked, scooting his chair away from her and staring incredulously.

"Listen, people that do that tend to be incredibly pretentious and snobbish and generally act like they're really too good to be eating finger food and they treat it like it's a chore. Like if you go to a pizza restaurant and one person at a table is eating the pizza with a fork, and you just know that they didn't want pizza but the kids did. This person would rather be at a nice restaurant eating fish or something retarded like that."

"And what the hell is wrong with fish?" Shika asked.

"It's poisonous for one thing," Risu pointed out.

"But it's a great source of omega-3!" Shika whined.

"Also a great source for an entire lifetime's worth of mercury," Risu pointed out. "As in, so much mercury that YOU WILL FREAKING DIE!"

"Also, fish are terrible because Catholics use them to cheat during Lent," Himizu added.

"How's that now?" Shika asked.

"During Lent, Catholics aren't supposed to eat meat on Friday but they are for some reason allowed to eat fish because for some stupid reason, fish aren't meat, even though they are ANIMALS!" Himizu yelled. "And animals are just automatically made of meat. Because if they are not meat, then they must be plants, and fish are not goddamn plants!"

"No one said they were…" Shika muttered.

"Don't argue with her about this!" Ryouko hissed. "She will rant for hours on the hypocrisy of religion if you let her."

"Yes, she is a very bitter child," Risu said, nodding sagely.

"But no one said that fish are plants. Heck, no one said fish aren't meat. I was only trying to say that..."

"The Catholics said that fish are not meat but they are WRONG!" Himizu yelled. "And even if I were willing to accept that they aren't meat because of some massive brain trauma, monks used to cheat all the time!"

"But no one cares about what monks did hundreds of years ago…"

"I DO!" Himizu yelled. "They would catch frogs and eat them and say that they were fish because they came from the pond!"

"Okay, well… I can almost see that… I mean, if you stretch the imagination a little… and remember that this was a long time ago…"

"AND!" Himizu continued, completely ignoring Shika. "They would also drown rabbits in the pond and use that same logic somehow even though the rabbits did not want to try to live in the pond and were only in the pond to die! They probably did that to other animals like chickens! Hell, they probably would've drowned a goddamn cow expect that cows are too big and heavy to put up with that bullshit! Also, did you know that there is no such thing as consensual sex amongst chickens?"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Shika finally asked.

"You know, I really don't know sometimes," Himizu admitted.

Ryouko and Hiei, meanwhile, had apparently been arguing about something and now they were sitting on the floor facing each other, both holding appletinis in their hands. They drained their glasses dry, then clicked them together. When the glasses clicked, they magically refilled.

"What the hell?" Himizu asked.

"It's the fourth most feminine drinking competition that I've ever seen," Risu exclaimed.

"Wait, fourth? What were the other three?" Himizu asked.

"Well I'm gonna tell you right now that one of them involved bright pink Cosmos with those stupid umbrellas," Risu replied.

Himizu stuffed her fingers in her ears. "Lalalalalalalalala I don't want to know any more and I also don't want to know why you were present for such a godawful contest!"

"Good because I wasn't planning on telling that story. I thought I had suppressed that memory," Risu mused.

"Hey, does Hiei look okay to you?" Shika asked suddenly. Himizu and Risu stopped their discussion to stare at the drinking contest more closely.

"Now that you mention it…" Risu began.

"Let's go to the phones!" Himizu exclaimed loudly.

"Wait, what? Why? We haven't even had a real discussion yet!" Shika exclaimed. "What are callers going to talk about?"

"Oh please, you've listened to the people that call in. They'll find SOMETHING to talk about," Himizu said with a snort. Then she grabbed the phone. "Caller, you're live!"

"Hi, I just wanted to say that my eyebrows get their soft luxurious shine from a liberal application of fish oil!"

"Well there you go, another reason why fish are awful and terrible beings!" Himizu exclaimed, looking triumphantly at Shika.

"What? You can't use Rock Lee as a reason to get rid of fish!" Shika yelled at her.

"Like hell I can't! Fish are horrible creatures and they're poisonous and unhealthy and people need to stop eating them!"

"But Lee isn't eating them, he's rubbing them on his eyebrows!"

"THAT'S WORSE, YOU FOOL!" Himizu screamed.

"Hey… um… I'm still here you know…" Rock Lee's voice sounded through the phone. Himizu glared at it but before she could react, Risu had grabbed the phone from her.

"So could it be that we've found a reason why Sakura won't date you? Because you smell like FISH?" Risu demanded.

"What? I don't smell like fish!"

"But you just said that you rub fish oil on your face!"

"But it doesn't smell like fish!"

"Bullshit! I bet the odor of fish clings to you day and night! You are a pariah in the Leaf Village but you don't know it yet because you're already such a confused person!"

"What? But I…"

"Okay Risu, stop tormenting the moron. Lee, give it up already! Why do you keep calling in? Do you like the abuse?" Himizu asked.

"Well, no… but I do like hearing my voice on TV, and this show is the easiest to get through to. I really don't think very many people try to call in on this show."

"HOW DARE YOU?" Himizu screamed. "HOW DARE YOU IMPLY THAT MY SHOW IS NOT POPULAR?"

"Well it's not…"

"Oh that is so it! I summon the demon Whatsisface from that one movie!"

"That is soooo not helpful," Risu pointed out.

"You know, the one with the disembodied hand?"

"Oh! Right! This one!" And Risu pointed to the table where a disembodied hand appeared and crawled around for a few moments before wandering into a mousetrap. It uttered shrieks of pain despite having no mouth. It got loose and then flipped off Himizu and Risu, who had fallen out of their chairs laughing. Himizu pointed at the hand, then snapped her fingers. The hand vanished and then they heard Rock Lee screaming about a disembodied hand flipping him off and pulling at his hair and eyebrows. (A/N: Hell yes to Evil Dead references!)

"Not quite what I had in mind, but it will do," Himizu said as she calmly disconnected the call. "Next caller."

"Hi, I'd just like to say that you may think it's bad when people use silverware on foods that really don't need it, but I say that it's way worse when people don't use silverware at all and eat like pigs at a trough all the time. Like Naruto for example."

"I hate to say it, but I think Rock Lee may be right… you must not have many callers," Shika said. He cowered as Himizu turned to glare furiously at him. "I'm sorry, but it can't be a coincidence that Lee and Neiji have been able to get on the air for EVERY SINGLE ONE of the shows you've filmed so far."

"Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up!" Himizu yelled at him. She looked utterly furious, but was distracted when Gir walked into the studio. "GIR! My adorable little assistant, I'm so glad to see you back!" she cried, suddenly looking very sweet and friendly, without any doom whatsoever.

"I got tacos. They were yummy. I miss the tacos," Gir said sadly.

"Oh hell…" Shika said suddenly. His eyes were fixed on Ryouko and Hiei. It was clear that something had happened while everyone was distracted. Hiei was swaying back and forth in his spot on the floor, a glazed expression on his face. Ryouko was watching him intently, her expression somewhat predatory.

"What did you do to him now?" Himizu asked tiredly.

"My appletini's were watered down. His were more like… sextuple shots. My plan is a success," Ryouko said with a smirk.

"I wouldn't be so sure," Risu said, pointing. Ryouko turned around just in time to see Hiei sway dangerously, then overcorrect, and fall over right on top of Gir, who let out a surprised squeak. This somehow turned into Hiei using Gir as a pillow while Gir nuzzled into him with a happy smile on his face.

"Awww… that's kind of adorable," Himizu said, looking surprised that these words were leaving her lips.

"Aww crap… He wasn't supposed to pass out this early," Ryouko said.

"Wait, what exactly was your plan for him?" Shika asked, looking horrified.

"Well see, first I was going to put him in some sexy leather outfit…"

"You mean like the one that Amber's slave people wear in Repo the Genetic Opera?" Risu asked, looking WAYYYYYY too happy about that prospect.

"That wasn't what I was thinking of, but that actually sounds like a fantastic idea," Ryouko said, looking very thoughtful.

"Oh that's it, I'm so out of here!" Shika exclaimed, jumping off and running away.

"Why are you running? No one here is at all sexually attracted to you!" Himizu screamed after him. Ryouko continued to stare thoughtfully at Hiei and Gir before pulling out a camera and taking many many pictures. Then she snapped her fingers and Hiei's shirt vanished, revealing his lovely sculpted chest and abs.

"Uhhh… I think we should cut this off now," Risu said.

"Good idea!" Himizu agreed. "We'll be back though!" she added, nodding to the camera. Then she and Risu turned and fled and the studio became dark.

"Oye!" Ryouko yelled. "Now I can't see a thing! Well this is no fun!"

A/N: Not holding out hope, but I'll say it anyways, please review and let me know what you think!


	7. Scripted Reality TV Shows

A/N: Here it is! The final chapter! Of another fic that people read and do not review. Whatever. Enjoy it anyways. Also, as per usual, I don't own anything except my OC's and the opinions of said OC's. Blah blah blah.

Chapter 7: Scripted Reality Shows

"And now… your favorite show for gossip, drama, and some semblance of talking about current events and serious topics… it's… Himizu Recently! And here's your host, Himizu!"

Himizu was sitting in her usual chair with a patient smile on her face. Only the slight eye twitch betrayed her annoyance. "Hello everyone. As you can see, our panel has been changed up a little bit today."

Ryouko and Himizu were sitting in their usual chairs with angelic smiles on their faces, but Hiei and Shika were absent and had been replaced by Yusuke and Kurama from Yu Yu Hakusho and Ino from Naruto.

"Why do we have a different panel, you may be asking?" Himizu said, eye still twitching. "Well it seems that Hiei has died from an overdose of appletinis…"

"He isn't dead! I just may or may not have also slipped some sleeping pills in his drinks and he may or may not be suffering adverse effects… like being unconscious…" Ryouko muttered, looking a little nervous.

"…And Shikamaru has somehow managed to brick himself into his dressing room. Where he got the cement and bricks for this…" She shot an accusing glance in Risu's direction. The girl wilted slightly, but quickly tried to deflect the attention.

"Well what I want to know is where the heck he got the energy and ambition to actually brick himself up!" she exclaimed.

"This is true," Himizu agreed, looking exasperated. "And since we are so impressed with him for going against his natural laziness to such an extreme degree, we have decided to let him enjoy his well-earned freedom."

"At least until the wrecking ball gets here!" Ryouko cheered.

"Yes, until then," Himizu agreed with a psychotic smile. "So we needed two new guests and I invited Yusuke and I sent Risu to the Leaf village to find someone to invite and for some retarded reason she came back with Ino…" She glared at Risu who shrugged helplessly.

"I promised Gaara and Kiba that they would never be on this show!" she whined.

"What about Neiji or Rock Lee?" Himizu demanded, her composure starting to crack. "Or Sasuke, or Sakura, or Ikura, or Kakashi, or Hinata? WHY THE HELL DID YOU HAVE TO BRING THE SLUTTY BITCH? WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY?"

"Hey, I am extremely offended by that!" Ino whined, nose in the air.

"Do I look like I give a crap? In fact, I intend to offend you at every opportunity until you LEAVE MY SHOW!" Himizu screamed at her. Ino huffed and looked pissed off.

"And Kurama is here because I saw the two idiots that had showed up for the filming today and I realized we needed to have some brain cells on this show from somewhere, so I invited the fox," Ryouko said cheerfully.

"I can't decide if that's a great idea or an awful idea considering today's topic," Himizu muttered, cradling Gir in her arms and petting his ears lovingly. "Gir, honey, tell them the topic."

"BACON!"

"Try again dear."

"TACOS!"

"Nope."

"Meatloaf! Sandwiches! Tuna! PIGGIES!"

"Gir…"

"Oh yeahhh… the topic is scripted reality TV shows. I like TV," Gir squealed happily.

"We know you do," Himizu said, petting the little green dog.

"Scripted reality shows, eh?" Risu said, stroking her chin in contemplation.

"Sure, like how reality shows create unnecessary drama and force these awkward situations that would never happen in real life," Himizu explained.

"You mean like Cheaters?" Ryouko said. "Where Joey Greco allegedly orchestrated that stabbing?"

"Wait, Cheaters is faked?" Yusuke yelped. "That show is the shit! All that sex and scandal and craziness cannot be faked!"

"Yes Yusuke, the show where they exploit people by collecting tapes of their significant others cheating on them, sometimes with multiple people, and forcing a highly-charged confrontation does occasionally stoop to staging extra-explosive situations in a sad attempt to drive up ratings," Himizu said, frowning disapprovingly.

"Oh don't even start, you hypocrite!" Ryouko exclaimed. "You sat and watched that show for 12 hours last weekend when G4 ran a marathon!"

"LIES! That wasn't me! It was my evil twin sister, Karen! She's also the one that occasionally listens to bad pop music and has read a couple trashy romance novels!" Himizu shrieked hysterically.

"Right…" Ryouko said, nodding her head slowly.

"SHUT UP! DON'T JUDGE ME!" Himizu screamed, cowering.

"What's wrong with that stuff? I love romance novels!" Ino exclaimed.

"People like you read them. That is reason enough for me," Himizu said bitterly.

"You know what other show is just terrible? Survivor!" Risu exclaimed. "They rig which teams everyone is on to create the most conflict and if two characters start anything resembling a relationship, it's made public and they're separated to cause heartache and junk and it's so transparent that it's faked!"

"And yet people still lap it up, so what does that say about humanity?" Ryouko asked. "Not to mention Jersey Shore…"

"Don't diss Jersey Shore!" Yusuke and Ino both yelled. Himizu put her head in her hands.

"Dear Lord, why did I agree to let these morons on my show?" she moaned. "Seriously guys, explain to me what is so fascinating about watching the dregs of New Jersey's gene pool drink, fight, whore around, and generally behave like despicable human beings?"

"It's entertaining!" Yusuke exclaimed.

"Yeah, the drama is fun!" Ino exclaimed.

"There are actually some very good reasons why this type of reality shows are so popular," Kurama piped up.

"Okay, good as in a genuinely acceptable reason, or good as in a plausible psychological explanation?" Risu asked. "Because that would make a serious difference."

"The second one," Kurama replied.

"Oh, okay. Carry on then."

"Well there is some evidence that by watching people engage in behavior that is clearly unacceptable, the viewer's feel better about themselves without needing to alter their normal behavior in any way. They can now justify themselves by saying that compared to reality show stars, their behavior is downright angelic," Kurama explained.

"I don't feel any better about myself knowing that Snooki still exists!" Ryouko cried.

"And yet there is some evidence that you would miss her if she was gone, or you would have to replace her with an equally despicable person. And if we kept weeding out the despicable people, then there would soon be no one left except average people."

"And then maybe people would have to start developing some traits that would allow them to have some self-respect instead of just being content with congratulating themselves that they aren't a bloody moron," Himizu seethed, still glaring at Ino and Yusuke.

"Has anyone ever told you that you have serious anger management issues?" Yusuke asked her. Himizu flung a steel-toed boot at his head.

"NO!" she yelled at him.

"Yes we have!" Ryouko exclaimed.

"All the time!" Risu added.

"SHUT UP!" Himizu screamed at them. They wilted from the force of her yell. She grabbed both of them by the necks and started strangling them. "I do not have anger management issues!" she yelled. "I just have a very VERY low tolerance for stupidity and when I've been exposed to excessive amounts, I start to have a mental breakdown, which includes symptoms that make it appear that I am losing my temper even though I'm not really! Do you understand me?" she yelled.

"So when you start screaming and throwing stuff, it only LOOKS like you're having a tantrum like a 5-year-old?" Risu asked with a grin.

"BAKA BAKA BAKA BAKA BAKA!" exclaimed Himizu, dropping Ryouko and strangling Risu harder than ever.

Kurama put his head in his hands. "Your professionalism and commitment to your audience is a wonder to behold," he muttered.

"Isn't it though?" Himizu said with an innocent smile, dropping Risu and resuming her seat. "Now, where were we?"

Ryouko and Risu also resumed their seats. Ino and Yusuke both had twitchy eyes. "How about… uh… Toddlers and Tiaras?" Risu asked.

"What, you mean that creepy show about little girls in beauty pageants?" Yusuke asked. Himizu, Ryouko, and Risu stared at him in horror.

"Oh my god… he's a young male… without a child of his own… and he knows what this show is…" Himizu gasped.

"Dude, you are soooo sick!" Risu screamed at him.

"What? No! I don't watch that show! I just saw some commercials for it one time!" Yusuke yelped.

"You are a sick sick sick human being! You are a pedophile and not fit to live among decent people! You should be locked away in a dank dungeon and left to rot for all eternity!" she screamed at him.

Yusuke jumped to his feet. "I just saw some commercials! I also saw that it was a show available on Netflix! This does not make me guilty of a crime!" he yelled back at her.

"Will you two stop screaming at each other and start acting professional?" Himizu yelled at them.

"Like you have any room to talk! You're the one who just attempted murder on camera not two minutes ago!" Ino yelped.

"Shut the hell up, skank!" Himizu yelled at her. "I do not remember asking your opinion! On anything! EVER! I don't want to hear anything about anything out of your mouth ever!"

"How dare you call me a skank? What the hell is wrong with you? Why do you treat guests on your show this way?" Ino screamed back at her.

Ryouko turned to Kurama and slapped him.

"What the hell was that for?" the redhead spluttered indignantly.

"I don't know, everyone else is yelling at each other, so I thought maybe we could fight," Ryouko said with a shrug as Gir started running in circles around the table, screaming his head off. Kurama stared incredulously at her for a while. Then his gaze drifted slightly past her and his eyes widened. It took Ryouko a moment to realize he was no longer paying to her. She turned around and stared out the window. She opened her mouth to scream, but before she could make a sound, there was an almighty crash as a wrecking ball slammed through the glass.

"What the hell?" Himizu screamed, cut off in the middle of insulting Ino for the hundredth time. "Why is there a wrecking ball destroying my studio?" She paused for a moment. "RISU!"

"Yes?" Risu asked innocently.

"This is your fault, isn't it?"

"Probably."

"Damnit!" Himizu yelled, diving to the floor as the wrecking ball sailed in again. Within moments, most of the studio was in ruins. One more swing smashed into the dressing rooms. Clouds of dust filled the air. As the fog cleared, Shikamaru staggered out, coughing his lungs out.

"What in the world is this bull crap?" he demanded.

"Shika! There you are!" Himizu cried, sounding relieved. He stared at her, suspicious that she sounded happy to see him. His suspicions were proved correct moments later when she pounced on him and started strangling him. "It is your fault that this horrible bitchy skank is on my panel!" she screamed.

"Which horrible bitchy skank are you talking about?" Shika managed to gasp.

"HER!" Himizu screamed, pointing to Ino.

"How is her presence *my* fault?" Shika yelped.

"If you hadn't walled yourself up…" she began, but then found herself being hauled backwards off of Shika. She looked up to see Hiei standing over her, murder in his eyes. "Oh hey, look who's awake!" she exclaimed.

"And I assume you are the reason I woke up shirtless on the floor of my dressing room?" he growled.

"Are you insane? Why would I take off your shirt after drugging you?" she asked, looking confused.

"That… was actually a logical point…" Hiei muttered, looking momentarily lost.

"Come on man! Use your brain! Who would want to drug you? Who would take your shirt off after drugging you? Who got you drunk on freaking appletinis?" she yelled at him. Hiei turned slowly to glare at Ryouko, who was still lying on the floor where she had fallen next to Kurama when the wrecking ball started destroying the place.

"And you seriously thought that was a good plan?" he yelled at her.

"It was at the time," she said sheepishly. Hiei turned to stare at Risu, who had somehow managed to climb onto the wrecking ball and was riding it and shrieking with joy… right up until the point where she hit a brick wall. Then she fell to the floor and lay there for several minutes while little cartoon stars and birdies flew around her head. Hiei shook his head.

"Morons. You're all morons," he said. There was a whoosh of fire and Hiei was gone.

"When the hell did he learn to Disapparate?" Himizu asked.

"From when he had that stint as Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts, don't you remember?" Ryouko asked.

"Oh yeah! Wait, I thought that only happened in my head!" Himizu exclaimed.

"And how do you know that this isn't in your head as well?" Risu asked in a spooky voice as Twilight Zone theme music started playing.

"I don't know, maybe because we've been filming in front of a studio audience for several weeks now?" Himizu asked incredulously.

"Ah damnit, I have been defeated by my arch-nemesis again. CURSE YOU LOGIC!" Risu screamed, shaking her fist at the sky. Then she ran away, laughing maniacally.

"Well then… I guess that's it then. We have no studio, my panel is running away or retreating to lick their wounds… I'd say we can call this a success!" Himizu proclaimed.

"I would like to know what your definition of the word 'success' is," Kurama said.

"Shut it. Goodbye, everyone!"

A/N: Hope you enjoyed the fic! I little review saying you liked it or something would be cool, but whatever.


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